Lace, on the bachelor: A counselor’s perspective [Video]

If you’ve been watching the Bachelor, you’ve definitely noticed Lace, who just can’t get enough of Ben’s attention….and who keeps apologizing while, at the same time, displaying the same insecurity that threw Ben off in the first place. Not a good situation.

Here’s my take on her, after watching episode one and two of this season:

Lace is clearly struggling to rein in “insecure Lace.” But the more she tries to act “sane,” the more desperate her behavior becomes. I’ve seen clients in this same scenario.

Is Lace crazy? Nah. But her insecurity is driving her to act off the rails. Part of what’s painful to watch about this is seeing Lace show clear awareness that she’s “acting crazy,” “showing a Lace I don’t want to be,” and yet, she can’t stop it. She is in the middle of a problem that she keeps creating. You can actually see her sense of helplessness in stopping the cycle.

There are a few things she’d need in order to stop this pattern:

-To get the heck off of a show that plays on people’s insecurities and uses an insanely difficult situation in order to provoke people for ratings!

-To befriend “insecure Lace,” who is likely a young part of Lace. It looks like Lace tries desperately to disown “insecure Lace,” and like, the more she tries NOT to be insecure, the more this part of her takes over. It will help Lace to get to know this part of herself and to befriend and reassure her.

-To learn how to recognize when “insecure Lace” is emerging. What triggers this part of herself? What happens in her body? If she can discover these things, she can find ways to break the pattern of compulsively looking to get someone else to affirm her, and she can find ways to take care of herself and avoid accidentally making things worse.

-A relationship that can help her into a secure sense of connection with herself and with others. A relationship with a therapist who knows how to work with attachment styles can help her into a secure sense of herself in relationships, which means that “insecure Lace’s” needs will be met, and she’ll no longer have to try so hard to be accepted.

If you struggle with preoccupied attachment, relationships are really tough for you. And you get pretty fixated on people in a way that keeps you from moving forward with your own life. You may try desperately to be “independent” and “normal,” only to find your “needy side” taking over.

This can change with a good, secure relationship. Therapy can be a great place to start to work with this so that you can transform your relationships, and finally find the love you want — from within and without!

Author: Michaela Lonning

I'm a counselor in Corvallis, Oregon, and I work mostly with intelligent and sensitive people who are struggling with a sense of connection to themselves or in their relationships. Near Corvallis? Come see me. Not near Corvallis? I work with clients around the world via Skype: Come see me.

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